This Part Of Me

This Part Of Me

There’s this part of me, part of me that I did my best to avoid well into my twenties, only catching glimpses of it on a day when I had enough energy to take a trip, or to watch a movie, or even just to get dressed into something nicer than the comfiest clothes I could find. ‘Avoid’ is probably the wrong word. I just couldn’t feel it at all. Yes, I am a girlie girl – I love make up and clothes and pretty things. But when you’re fighting to get through the day, to muster up enough will to do the simplest tasks, all of the frills are rarely given a chance. Perhaps my circumstances were good enough reason back then. I was hardly at school, or around my peers and my social life was such that dinner out with a friend or two was a major event, especially when that alone was likely to leave me needing hours of rest to recover from the fun. How could I go out and carve a life for myself in the state I was in? However, as my health improved and I was more able to live the things loved, rather than just imagine them in my head, I started to discover this energy within me, this fire, this connection to my body, other than pain, that I had barely touched on before. I remember once, receiving a very quiet but clearly Divine message that ‘passion breeds passion’, and I soon realized what it meant. As I immersed myself in creativity and all that I was passionate about, life began mirroring these passionate experiences back to me – it was like a switch had been turned on! For the first time, I actually felt something more electric than the compassionate love I had always felt for everyone around me. It’s true that I can love anyone given half the chance, and those I am more connected to than usual, really do get all of me. Or almost. Because there’s this part of me, a part of me that most rarely see. The difference now is, I cannot avoid it anymore. It’s there all the time, longing to be seen. I have asked myself over and over why I kept it neatly hidden away for so long; there’s a very good argument to say, that it’s because I’m waiting for the ‘best’; that I never had the chance to fall in love growing up, so why waste a moment on messing around with ‘maybes’? I’ll just bide my time; that dreams do come true and I am NOT settling for anything less than I deserve. But if I was entirely honest, that isn’t the whole story and I think my health challenges only magnified the reasons why the true, romantic love I desire has eluded me so far. It’s easy for me to see, too, in the big scheme of things, beyond all the physical diagnosis, that my dear, teenage body was so tired of it’s disconnection with the rest of me, that it shut down. Because, in the last few years, when I’ve felt alive and well with sensuality, I realize how quickly my mind is dragged into the dark corners that tell me this is not a body I could share with anyone; that even if a man did initially feel a pull towards me, they would soon see all my flaws and incapabilities and kindly but quickly gravitate towards someone else – someone who could give them things I never can; how the kind of beautiful, sexy, strong, loving man I desire would be here by now if he was going to show up… and who the heck am I for wanting so much, anyway? Who would want ME, anyway? Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds. Believe me. Cue the unavailable men. Or the unrequited attraction in either direction – all a result of my buying into the heaviness that I couldn’t possibly carry about anyone on the planet… except myself. Which is why I am sharing this with you now, and why at this point in my life, I want to give the huge, limiting lies a voice so I can truly let them GO. And I know I’m not the only one. I’m sure there are a multitude of reasons we give ourselves to try and justify why we are unworthy of what we truly desire, especially when it comes to love and romance, because for the majority of us, it’s what we want most in the world, right? But this part of me, this passionate woman in her so-called ‘prime’ –  is READY. I am no longer going to deny who I am or what I want, for fear of it being unattainable to me. I’m going to fully acknowledge the sexual, sensual part of me as being as important as any other, and claim my belief in deep, mutual attraction and love not just in a general sense, not just in my favourite movie or for my best friend, but for myself. For the ‘us’ I want to create. And I’m going to let it take me wherever it needs to and be open to whatever happens, because I know that the only way I can have what and who is right for me is to be utterly truthful in the first place. I’m also going to remember that when I am frustrated by the perception others have of me, (‘angelic and sweet’ is lovely but so overused in my world!) that they simply serve as a reminder to be ALL of who I am and not just what is expected of me. So here I am: feeling the energy of my Beloved, and excited to trust in the intensity that tells me he is near! And if this message speaks to you in any way, please do join me in choosing to live fully by making a promise to yourself to LOVE – not only in the ways you’ve been used to, or the ways that feel most comfortable to you, but in every way! For me, at least, there seems no other choice in this moment, which is terrifying yet incredibly liberating! Who would want ME? Someone rare, perhaps, but someone… From my heart and all of me, Anna